She Will Be Loved
by hereiamdestroya
Summary: You've been keeping a secret from James for long enough. What happens when he sees the darkest side of you? Please R&R! Rated M for SELF HARM/DEPRESSION. I don't want this to trigger anybody. If it triggers you, please get in touch. You're not alone. Enjoy reading and thanks for checking this out :)
1. Chapter 1

**I hope this doesn't trigger anybody. Please don't read if you're easily affected by talk of self harm/ depression. Message me any time if you need help, advice or just a chat. I'm writing about this as a form of therapy to deal with my own issues so I understand. I don't know whether to carry on with this but let me know if it's any good at all. Thank you! **

_She Will Be Loved_

You don't know how to explain the blood on the sheets and you don't know what to do. James will be home any minute and you can't explain this to him. You never will be able to. This was not something he was supposed to know about.

There were so many things you couldn't tell him. You couldn't tell him how much you were missing home. LA had been a big change from your little town. You couldn't tell him how much you were hurting – Being eighteen and moving in with your 22 year old boyfriend didn't exactly go down well with your parents. They stopped talking to you. And being constantly teased by James' friends for being slightly younger than them affected you more than anyone knew. You wore a brave face because you had to. You couldn't explain to him that every time you had the apartment to yourself, the blades would come out and you'd punish yourself for all the things you had fucked up. If you weren't careful, you would fuck everything up with James too.

You pull the sheets off and force them into the washing machine and spray around some febreeze to make it seem like you're cleaning. He'll never know. You quickly bandage up the fresh cuts on your thighs and pull on a pair of jeans, crying out at the friction.

It takes a lot of strength for your eyes not to water when you hear the doorbell go and get up to answer it, legs aching with each step.

"Sorry (Y/N). I forgot my keys again!" James shouts through the door as you unlock it.

He pushes through the doorway, throwing his bag down on the floor and picks you up like you're a feather. "Hey!" He smiles.

You force the best smile you can. Your legs are killing. "James, put me down!" You shout and he does, hearing the pain in your voice.

"What's wrong?" He asks, still with his arms wrapped around your waist, his eyes searching yours quickly. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing" You say "I just feel a little dizzy, that's all". He kisses your forehead and closes the door behind him.

"Why don't I start dinner and you relax?" He offers with a small smile. "Take it easy". You nod and as he takes his hoodie off and heads to the kitchen you go to the bathroom. You try really hard to not cry. But you feel so heavy and you don't know what to do.

"(Y/N), baby, I've made you some tea out here. Are you really not feeling great?" James calls through the door. You wipe your eyes to stop them watering and go outside. James is standing with a steaming mug, his hazel eyes tinged with worry. "Come, sit down". He hands you the mug and leads you to the sofa. Sitting next to him, things feel different. Maybe it's the heat of another body, or just James' body. You rest your head against his chest and he wraps an arm around you.

"How was work?" You ask.

"It was good. But I'm glad to be home. The guys were going to come around tonight, but if you're not feeling great…" He says. It's literally the last thing you want right now. But this is his house. "We can just have a night in, you and me".

"Thanks. I'm sorry" You say quietly.

"What's up with you tonight? Are you coming down with a temperature or something?" James asks, pulling you closer into him.

"No, no. I'm fine. I'll be fine tomorrow" You tell him. Sitting in silence, James rests his other hand on your knee and slowly moves his palm up your leg. You want to cry out when he touches your thigh. He feels you tense and you panic, jerking your leg.

"(Y/N)? What is wrong with you? You've been acting weird since I got home" James questions. You don't know what to say, so you don't say anything. You just keep breathing. When you don't answer, he presses his lips hard onto yours and you don't stop him. He gently pushes you down onto the sofa so you're on your back and he hovers over you, lips still attached. You run your hands through his now short brown locks and he kneels, a leg on each side of you. He pulls the sweatshirt you're wearing up and over your head, leaving you in just your bra. His hands reach for your jeans and you don't know how to stop him.

He kisses down your chest and stomach whilst unclasping your jeans and you can't stop yourself from crying. You keep quiet but the tears stream down your cheeks. He pulls them down and when he sees the top of the bandages, stops dead in his tracks. Your breathing has changed and he can feel it. You feel him look up at you but you keep your eyes on the ceiling, bringing a hand up to clasp over your mouth to stop the sobs.

You can imagine the look of disbelief that must be on his face. It makes you cry harder.

"(Y/N), what the fuck is this?" He says so quietly that you're not sure whether he's actually talking to you or to himself. He pulls your jeans down to your knees and stares at the bandages. "What have you done to yourself?"

You sit up, yank up your jeans and try to walk away but James grabs you and forces you to stay where you are. Standing, he towers over you and tries to wipe away your tears but you bat his hand away. You don't deserve comforting.

When you finally look at him, his eyes are more hurt than you could ever imagine. He frowns in disbelief. "What have you done?"


	2. Chapter 2

"What have you done?" James repeats, his voice slightly louder. "(Y/N), look at me". He reaches a hand to touch your jaw and softly makes you look at him. You try to control your sobs but it's difficult.

"I-I…You weren't supposed to see this" You say. Before he has a chance to stop you, you run down the hallway and into your bedroom, slamming the door behind you and you fall to the floor, losing any self-control you had before. You cry, pretending you can't hear your boyfriend pounding his fist against the door, shouting your name.

When you don't open the door after five minutes, you hear James quietly walk back down the hallway and into the kitchen. You hear the scuff of him putting his shoes on and the clang of his car keys being picked up and then only the sound of the front door closing.

Once you have your breathing back to normal after a good ten minutes, you crawl across the floor and up onto your bed, yearning for sleep to avoid dealing with the fact that you're not sure when James will be back, or whether he will be back at all.

He's probably disgusted. You know you are with yourself. Oh god, how could you be so stupid as to think he wouldn't see the marks. Though you'd been careful in the past to self-harm in places that weren't incredibly noticeable.

Your phone vibrated with a text, waking you of your thoughts. You thought it would be James if anyone, but to your surprise it was your brother. Your brother Alby was only sixteen and when you uprooted yourself from your small town to the fantasy of Los Angeles, you knew it had hit him hard, being his only sibling. He hadn't been in contact with you much, not recently at least but you'd left him to it. You understood he just wanted to get on with his life. Your parents' divorce three years ago had hit you both extremely hard, but it had made your bond stronger, until you had left. How could you ever describe to him that you were suffocating? That you needed to leave before anything else could go wrong? That LA was a new life for you?

**Dad's getting remarried. He hadn't planned on telling you but I thought you should know. Hope you're okay**. – Alby

You read it and dropped your phone, not able to gather your thoughts at all. You hadn't spoken to your dad in months but you were still shocked that he didn't even plan on telling you he was engaged. You felt officially disowned. And fuck, did it sting you.

You well up again without even realizing it, and before you can find the energy to sort yourself out, you collapse back onto the bed, half dressed, into a fitful sleep.

* * *

You open your eyes in surprise that the room is in near complete darkness. You'd been out for a few hours. Only the moonlight and the bright lights of the city that your apartment looked over illuminated the room. You sit up, feeling your head ache.

You hear the door creak open and it startles your memory. James stands in the pool of light the hallway has created for him, so you only really see his silhouette. He folds his arms.

"Will you talk to me now?" He asks quietly, his voice soft. You nod and you know he sees because he paces over to you and sits down on the edge of the bed where you sit, knees tucked together hiding your barely clad chest. You shivered, the night's air getting to you. James pulls of his jumper, leaving him in just a t-shirt and hands it to you. You slide it on and relax into the smell of it; it smells of his aftershave and peppermint.

"Thank you" You whisper. You both sit in silence until James can't bear it any longer.

"You know I love you right? If I had of known…I-All this time and you never told me what you were doing…Do you not trust me?" James asks and the hurt in his voice breaks your heart.

"I trust you…This is my own flaw, James. I didn't want you to know…I am disgusted by myself and the fact that you aren't, is an absolute miracle…I know I'm weak, but I-I didn't want you to know that" You barely whisper. When you finally look into his eyes, they're already staring into yours.

"You are _not_ weak. You are the fucking opposite of _weak_. My god…I have no idea where I would be if I didn't have you. You-you think you're…_disgusting, _baby? I-" James breaks off what he was saying and puts a hand over his eyes to cover his expression but you can still see his face scrunched up in pain, and you feel even worse for making him feel like this.

"I'm sorry" You mumble. There is nothing you can think of to say to make this better.

James doesn't know what to say either but he hurriedly pulls you into a tight hug, as if you're about to leave. "I could have helped you…I could've gotten you therapy or-"

"It's not your problem" You say quietly. He pulls away slightly and stares at you.

"I don't think you understand what you mean to me (Y/N). The fact that you're not happy…you're so unhappy that you would harm that beautiful body of yours-that _is_ my problem" James says and you feel terrible for putting him through this. "I'm going to get you help ok-anything you need. I'm going to get you through this"

"It's not your responsibility" You say, eyes searching his. "I started this a long time before I met you"

"Tell me everything" He says, his hand reaching to hold yours. "I'm here".

You know that there is so much you can't tell him. So much that would break everything you have with him. You feel terrible that there is going to come a time when he will have to know the absolute truth, but for now, you can only tell him certain things.

"I've always been unhappy…depressed. I'd been like it for years, but when my parents split up and got divorced, I didn't know how to deal with it. And I was struggling in school, with my "friends" and the only place I ever found comfort was-was in self-harming" You feel the tears stream silently down your cheeks and James wipes them away. "And so I did what I had to- what I needed to do. I moved out, away…I thought there's no place like Los Angeles right? And well you know, neither of my parents are speaking to me and I had nowhere to really go and I had hardly any money and everything was awful… But then I met you…and for the first time in my life, I felt warmth again…I felt loved" You sob and James pulls you into his arms.

He tries to calm you by whispering a soothing shush and stroking your hair out of your eyes. You are a mess. And it kills him to see you like this.

"You should get some sleep…we don't have to talk about it right now" He tells you and you simply nod. Without changing, he lies down under the covers and pulls you with him, gently into his arms.

You can feel yourself slipping into unconsciousness again but before you close your eyes you manage to whisper "Alby texted me".

"What did he want?" James asks curiously. You'd spoken a fair bit about him but not in great detail.

"My dad's getting married…and he still hates me. I'm not invited" You fall into sleep, not noticing James' pained expression at the idea of anyone hating you. You fall heavily; everything will still be there in the morning, thankfully, including James.


	3. Chapter 3

When you wake up the next morning, James is not beside you. The sun is rising high out of your window, and for a few moments you forget what happened yesterday. But then it crashes into your thought stream. With the little energy you have left, you clamber out of bed and to your wardrobe, taking off yesterday's jeans carefully, so as not to disrupt the bandages that are holding the top of your thighs together, and James' lent jumper. You slip on a Smiths t-shirt and a loose fitting gypsy skirt so there's nothing tight against the skin of your thighs.

You head out of your room, down the hallway and into the kitchen where James stands at the fridge, picking out stuff to cook. When he sees you he puts the stuff down and comes around, putting his arms around your waist and pulling you close. "G'morning" He says quietly.

"Morning" You try to smile and he knows you're faking it but he says nothing.

"What would you like for breakfast?" He asks, but when you tell him nothing, he frowns.

"Just a coffee would be great" You say. He makes what you ask of him the way he knows you like it and places it in front of you.

"How are you feeling this morning?" He asks, leaning against the counter, sipping his own mug. He wears tight fitting jeans and a navy blue button down, his hair styled up, ready for a day at work.

"I'm fine…What time are you in?" You ask. He looks at his watch.

"I should probably get going now actually…did you reply to your brother?" He asks, putting the food from the fridge back into its place.

"No" You tell him "Not yet. I don't know what to say".

Before he can say anything, his phone rings and without hesitation he answers it.

"Hey Kendall! Sup bud? Yeah…ok. Yup, yup…Sure, I-Yeah sure…Ok, ok bye" You don't bother trying to listen to his conversation. You're amazed at how quickly his tone can change into one of happiness on the phone. But then he is an actor after all. You shouldn't be surprised.

"I'm really sorry, but Kendall and the guys are coming around tonight. Is that ok? We've got a lot of planning to do for the tour and we only really have tonight to get it sorted" He says.

You can't really disagree with him – this is his house. He can do what he likes.

"Sure…I'll go out and-"

"No, no. Stay. It'll be good for us to all hang out, for dinner at least. Please (Y/N)" He pleads.

There is nothing you'd rather not do than hang out with the guys, especially not tonight but you won't stop your boyfriend from doing what he wants. You wonder whether James was going to bring up the harming but he doesn't say anything, just finishes off his first coffee of the day. He hadn't reacted in the way you thought he would have and you weren't sure how to feel about it. Was he scared? Had you scared him away? You had no idea and he wasn't going to tell you at this point. You really needed him but you weren't sure whether he was still there.

James picks up his rucksack and puts on a grey beanie, putting his mug in the sink.

I'm going to ring my doctor today…I'm going to ask him about therapy" James says, eyes trying hard not to look into yours.

"No. No, I don't need it" You say quickly. You couldn't talk to anyone properly about this.

"(Y/N), you're not happy…And I don't know how I can make you happy. I think seeing someone…professional, might really help you…let's talk about it later" He finishes when he sees your stormy expression. You look away from him when he comes close and kisses your cheek goodbye.

"I love you" He says strongly, like he's trying to remind you. You say nothing and keep looking down at the floor. James sighs and heads for the door. "We'll be in at seven". He slams the door to make a statement and once he's gone you sink to the floor. You have fucked everything up.

* * *

It's five half seven and the guys still haven't arrived. You decided for the next few hours to try and just ignore everything. You put on some old motown music, tidied up the apartment and cooked some food for the guys. You'd put on some make-up to try not to look exhausted but stayed in your loose summery outfit.

James hadn't texted you a time when he'd be home so you waited patiently in the living room, reading a book, taking yourself to another world.

You hear the door open and the noise of four men traipsing in and get up to say hi.

"Hey (Y/N)" They all seem to say simultaneously, Carlos with his wide grin, Logan his smirk and Kendall his kind smile.

You say hi back and tell them you'd made some snacks and they thanked you, sitting down comfortably on the sofas.

"You didn't kiss your girlfriend hello?" Logan laughs but James has to pull a smile onto his face. He gets up from his seat and gives you a quick peck before sitting down again. "Lovers tiff?" You hear Carlos say quietly as you walk away into the kitchen, getting some drinks. When you bring them over you try to smile and say "I'll leave you guys to it".

"Stay!" Kendall smiles, patting the empty space next to him on the sofa. You look to James, not for his permission but to see if his expression is telling you not to sit down. A smile graces his face and he relaxes back into the chair he sits on.

After a couple of hours, James announces they all need something stronger if they're going to get through these tour plans tonight. He gets up and the two shorter guys follow him into the kitchen, laughing and joking amongst themselves.

"How have you been (Y/N)?" Kendall asks, sipping his cordial.

"I've been fine thanks" You say. Off all of James' friends, Kendall is probably the one you're closest to. He looks over you for a couple of seconds.

"You look tired" He states solemnly. "Listen…I know a great therapist in downtown L.A. James was telling me-"

"What?" You interrupt horrified. How dare James talk about you to his friends about this?

"James was telling me you're finding things a bit difficult at the moment" Kendall's eyes go to your wrists immediately, as if you've have your cuts out on display. "An friend of mine went to this guy all the time and she's in such a better place now"

"Excuse me" Is all you can say, leaping up and heading for the kitchen. "James, I need to talk to you for a second"

"I'm in the middle of something right now hun, can it wait until later?" James says a bit frustrated as he pours out shots.

"No. It can't fucking wait" His head snaps up when you say that to him and he looks to his friends as if to say _Why are you doing this now, in front of the guys?_

You pull James out of the kitchen and down the hallway and into your bedroom, slamming the door behind you.

"You told Kendall?!" You try not to scream.

"(Y/N), it came up in conversation. Kend-"

"How the hell did it come up in conversation?! How dare you tell other people about my problems?" You shout. "What right is it of yours?!" You can't remember the last time you'd raised your voice like this to your boyfriend, but you were now furious.

"Keep your voice down!" James whispers angrily. "I didn't know what to do ok! Do you have any idea how bad it feels to know your girlfriend would rather cut herself than talk to you? Do you understand how fucking horrible I feel for not noticing earlier? For not getting you help earlier! I didn't know what to do!" He tries not to shout.

"It's not your fault! None of this is your fault. You were never meant to know-"

"Can you stop saying that, god damnit?" James shrieks. "When are you going to understand that you are everything to me? It doesn't fucking matter if I wasn't supposed to see. I should have known before!...Stop pushing yourself away from me"

You don't know what to say. You search his eyes helplessly. You didn't realize he cared this much about you, as stupid as it sounded. He'd let you move in when you had nowhere else to go, when you're tenant had kicked you out because you couldn't pay the rent. He'd given you everything he could and you still felt like you couldn't properly trust him, like he didn't care, like he'd leave one day and wouldn't come back.

You didn't know how to stop pushing yourself away.

"I love you" It comes out as a whisper but it means more than any sweet nothing you've ever said in the happiest of your memories with him. "I love you so much".

He jumps to you, wraps his arms around you and pulls you tight.

"Please let me help you…please" He says quietly into your ear. He feels you nod and you hug him tighter.

"I'm so sorry" You whimper into his neck.

"Don't be sorry, don't…I want to help you. You just need to let me in" He says, a soothing hand at the back of your head, calming you. You nod again, not wanting to break the silence. When he feels you gradually falling into a stupor, he pulls you gently to the bed and tucks you in, kissing your forehead and whispering he loves you.


	4. Chapter 4

You wake up early the next morning even though it is a Saturday and you leave James to sleep in, knowing he must have been up late with the guys and clambered into bed in the early hours of the morning. You look down at him as you get dressed into skinny jeans and a big tank top. He looks so peaceful.

You pick up your phone and find the pack of menthol cigarettes that you keep in your underwear draw and quietly open up the door of your bedroom which opens onto a fair sized balcony, overlooking half the city. Sitting down at the smart table and chairs, you look up at the morning sun. It is so beautiful. You haven't felt this fresh in a while.

You light up and take a deep drag, breathing out your worries as best you can. You look over the message from Alby, with no idea what to reply.

**Ok. When's the date? **You text him back, knowing he'll see it soon as he wakes up early on Saturdays for tennis practice.

**12****th****. One month's time. **–Alby

You get a quick reply and rest your phone on the table, taking another deep drag. You didn't hear the door open behind you, but James sits down opposite, stretching his muscular arms above his head before resting them on the glass table.

"Morning, angel" He says with a small smile, until he sees what's in your hand. He doesn't like you smoking and he frowns to show you. You won't stop however, it kept you sane sometimes.

"Morning" You try to smile. You're feeling better today, the scars on your thighs gradually healing into red scars. "You're up early"

"Seizing the day" He smiles that Hollywood smile.

You lapse into an easy silence like you often do at the weekends, just soaking up the presence of each other.

"I'm sorry about last night…about everything" You finally say.

"(Y/N), I promise you – you don't need to apologize. Come here" James pulls you up and into his lap and you stub out your fag. He pushes his lips onto yours and you let his tongue in, gripping the back of his short hair with your hand. And suddenly, without warning, you can't get enough of each other. You start kissing his jawline and down to his neck while his hands reach up under your thin vest, his hands caressing your ribs and finally up to your breasts. You leave a mark on his neck, only a slight one and he kisses your chest and up to your neck.

Before either of you can go any further, you hear the sound of your phone ringing and once you're finally able to dismantle from each other, you go to answer it.

Alby's voice is deeper than you remember it being the last time you'd spoken, which was a few months ago.

_Hello?_

Alby?!

_Hi…how are you?_

I'm-I'm ok…how are you?

_Look, I'm sorry I only texted you about Dad…I thought you should know. _

It's fine. Thanks for telling me…What's she like then?

_She's not mum…but she's fine I suppose – got three kids already, they're really young…She's young. _

…Is he happy?

_I suppose so. I'm sorry he didn't tell you himself._

It's honestly ok…

_I'd better go. Happy Birthday for next week…bye_

Before you even get a chance to say bye, he's hung up. You'd been so busy you'd forgotten that next week you were turning nineteen. "That was Alby" You tell James, still sitting on his lap.

"What did he want?" James asks curiously, holding you tight.

"To apologize for my Dad…and he wished me happy birthday" You try to wipe the tears away quickly before James sees them but your boyfriend sees everything. You cry into his chest, as quietly as you can. It was just overwhelming. And you missed your brother so much.

"Why don't we go out somewhere for lunch? My treat" James smiles, trying to make you feel better. Bless him. He would do anything for you.

* * *

By half twelve, you're ready to go out. Dressed down in clean skinny jeans and a Metallica t-shirt, your hair washed and naturally messy.

"You look so beautiful" James smiles at you as you pick up your bag. He wears only jeans and a black denim t-shirt, sunglasses on his head, prepared for the day ahead.

You drive downtown and pull up in the parking lot of one of James' favourite restaurants, a little Italian place called Mario's. Before you even get out of the car, you see a group of paps across the road and groan. James dealt with the limelight brilliantly but you really struggled with the idea of it. In the past, they had gotten pictures of you and James, out and about at parties and in cafes and the press liked to portray you as 'James Maslow's grunge girlfriend'.

You slid out of the car and around to James' side, telling him about them.

"Baby, it's fine. All they want is a photo, a few words. Just stick beside me. Here" James takes off his sunglasses and slides them over your eyes. He holds your hand and as you walk around the corner, you see through your glasses the small group rush up to you.

"James, James! What are you up to?" One guy asks "What's your girlfriend's name eh?" "James!" You lean towards your boyfriend and he smiles that sweet smile.

"I'm currently about to get some lunch" He laughs. "My girlfriend will say her name if she wants to, and if she doesn't then she doesn't have to". You have to squeeze past them to get into the restaurant and you keep looking forward.

You get seated quickly and hand James his glasses back.

"That wasn't too bad" He smiles. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine" You say, picking up a menu. "I don't see what business they have in knowing who I am though"

"Baby, the whole world wants to know your name" He says smoothly.

"Stop it" You laugh.

"I haven't heard you laugh in a while" James smiles sadly. "I've missed it".

* * *

When you arrive back home after a bit of window shopping and grabbing an ice-cream, you and James lay down together on your bed, tired from doing nothing at all really. Your hands are interlocked and your breathing is in sync.

"I'll make an appointment to see the doctor" You say quietly, stroking his hand with your thumb.

"You will?" James smiles when you nod. He pulls you closer until your lying on your sides, faces inches away from each other. "I need to know that you're going to be okay…when I'm on tour" He says, voice full of worry. "I need to know you're going to be here when I get back".

You gaze into his eyes. Does he not realize how much you adore him? How you will never leave unless he wants you too?

"I'll be here" You say, promising him with the touch of your lips to his. "I'll be here".


	5. Chapter 5

You sit patiently in the waiting room of the doctor's the following Monday. You weren't at work until later so you had time to spare. James had managed to book you an appointment quickly, pulling a few strings. They'd made you fill out and sign a form and you felt totally embarrassed, even though you shouldn't have felt that way – you were trying to get help.

You were quickly seen to by Doctor Rowe, a middle aged man with greying hair and bright blue eyes. You tell him as much as you can and he refers you to get Cognitive behavioural therapy – every Thursday. He doesn't make you show your cuts which you're thankful for.

Once you leave the surgery, you feel a slight weight off your shoulders and head to work – waitressing at a café downtown. James had given you so much when you so were so desperate but having a job was all you could do to repay him. You couldn't rely on him and you didn't want to.

* * *

You don't get home until half eleven, after one of your longest shifts. When you open the door, all the lights are off except the ones in your bedroom which have been turned to a dim setting. You kick off your shoes, throw your bag on the sofa and pace down the hallway to your room.

To your surprise, James isn't in bed. You faintly hear the shower from the bathroom be turned off and stand still, waiting. You take off your jumper, throwing it across the room like usual onto the wooden floor.

You close your eyes when you feel James' soft hands come around your waist from behind, his lips pecking your neck.

"Did you miss me?" He whispers, his tone sultry. His hand moves down to the front of your skirt and he lifts up the material, touching you.

"I always miss you" You whisper. His body is so close to yours and you feel his hardness through the towel he's wearing. You walk together to the bed and he pushes you gently onto your front, though you wouldn't care if he was rougher. He undoes the loose towel, letting it fall onto the floor and leaving himself totally bare.

You turn around and lay on your back, looking up at your beautiful boyfriend who looks like he's made out of marble – his hair wet with clean water, his body shining. You were never surprised at how well-endowed he was. His comes to you and kisses you passionately whilst lifting up your tank top to leave you in your bra and skirt. He kisses down your chest, leaving his marks on you. You try to gain control, kissing up at his chest but he pushes you down onto the mattress.

You undo your bra and whilst he caresses your chest you nervously take off your skirt, knowing your scars will be vivid. Luckily, the dim light doesn't illuminate them too much and you don't feel terrible, especially when James kisses down your body and kisses your thighs so gently as not to hurt you. You gasp when he rips your knickers down and kisses at your centre. You hold onto his hair as your body writhes to him.

He kisses his way back up your body, to your lips and puts his mouth to your ear before whispering "I want to_fuck _you_so badly_".

_"_Then_…__fucking do it"_ You breathe back. You're both so hot and when he enters you without warning, with only a grunt, you gasp again. He pounds into you hard and for a few seconds you forget everything – the doctor's, the depression, all the shit with your family. All you want is James. All you need is James.

It doesn't take long for you both to climax; it's too much. James is always too much. He moves so fast, pushing you with his force up to the head of the bed, lifting your legs high above you, and rests them on his shoulders as he totally lets himself go, thrusting into you until you're sure you can't breathe. Without shouts of each other's' names, you both cum and he falls on top of you, hot and sweaty, trying to get his breath.

"I love you" He says quietly.

"I love you too" You're certain he knows that without you saying it, but you say it anyway.

* * *

You slip back into your knickers and one of James' light blue button down shirts, looking over your shoulder to see your boyfriend fast asleep, fully naked, on top of your bed. He's been working so hard at dance rehearsals you're surprised he wasn't sleeping when you got home. He sleeps easy, a slight smile on his adorable face.

You quietly open the balcony door and slide it shut behind you. The lights of the city shine so brightly and you sit down at the table, taking a deep breath. You light up a cigarette, looking up into the night's sky. It's so clear, the stars visible.

It doesn't take long before you start thinking about things – what are you going to do about Alby? And your parents – should you ring your dad? No. He doesn't want to know about you. Nobody does.

* * *

"Happy Birthday!" You hear James sing in that beautiful voice of his. "Baby, wake up!". You open your eyes to breakfast in bed, the light streaming in suggesting James had been up for a while. He sits on your side, a tray of tea and toast and fruit and a small vase with a pink rose in.

"Aw thanks!" You smile as he leans in for a kiss. He's such a sweetheart.

"So, what do you want to do tonight? I was thinking early dinner out somewhere nice? But it's your choice!" He grins happily, brown hair falling down towards his eyes.

"I don't mind!" You smile. "We can decide later" You kiss him again, never wanting to stop.

"Okay. Be ready by four" He says. "I know it's early but I've got a surprise for you"

* * *

You go out for a coffee with the only best friend you have - other than James of course. You'd met Leanne at work, another waitress and had hit it off straight away. Being the same age rather than the majority of the people who worked there who were in their thirties, you had become sort of instant friends.

Leanne had lived in L.A. all her life, growing up on the waterfront and wanted to be a musician, working part time as a waitress until she got her 'big break'.

You meet her in the usual coffee shop you both go to, seeing her shock of dyed red hair first. She throws her arms around you, wishing you a happy birthday before you sit down together.

"Okay so, it's not much, but it's all I could afford" She starts as she rummages in her bag.

"Le, you didn't have to get me anything" You say.

"I wanted to! You're my best friend" She exclaims. She hands you a small box and you smile fondly as you open it to reveal a small golden coloured angel on a chain.

"Oh Le, it's beautiful. Thank you so much!" You hug her quickly.

"I'm hoping it'll look after you…keep you safe" Her warm hazel eyes look at you knowingly. You had told her about the self-harming a month or so ago and she said that she already knew - that she had seen the sadness in you and that she would always be there, not matter what.

* * *

When James arrives home, you're all ready to go. Wearing in a light grey dress with leather sleeves and your hair in a loose fishtail plait, make-up done, you're ready.

"You look stunning" James smiles, kissing you before rushing to your room and changing into tight jeans and a white button down shirt. "Let's go!"

He drives you both to the restaurant where you had your first date, a small tapas bar across town and you're seated in a comfortable booth, sitting opposite each other.

"How was Leanne?" James asks politely, he's met her plenty of times and they get on pretty well. You don't have many friends of your own but Leanne is a true gem and James knows that.

"She was great!" You say "Yeah, really great". James looks so gorgeous, sitting across from you. It takes all your strength to not think about what you got up to last night. You can still feel the heat from his palms on the parts of your body where he touched you. You could quite easily rip his clothes off there and then if it weren't for the fact you weren't alone.

* * *

After a nice meal, you both decide to head home, an early night being the idea, but when you get home; you hear shuffling behind the door of your apartment. You tell James to be quiet, worrying and force him to listen.

"It's probably nothing" He says but you're certain someone is in your apartment. He unlocks the door and awkwardly pushes you forward. So much for chivalry! When you go inside, the loudness of the "SURPRISE!" you hear is such a shock you step backwards.

You grin when you realize a bunch of yours and James' mutual friends including all of BTR and their girlfriends are there, as well of course as Leanne are there. You give loads of hugs and say thanks before realizing your whole apartment has been decorated with balloons and banners in the time that you've been gone.

"Surprise baby" James smiles, pulling you into a kiss.

"You organized all this?" You question.

"With the help of Le of course" You smile and press your lips to your boyfriend's as a thank you. Before you can properly talk to people, the doorbell rings. "I think you should get that" James says. You take his suggestion and head to the door, opening it without bothering to look through the peep hole at who it is.

The blonde boy stands awkwardly, rucksack over his shoulders, a small smile on his face.

"Hey sis".


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi guys! Thank you so much for reading/ reviewing/ adding this to your alerts. Seriously means so much that you like this! Let me know if you want to read anymore. This chapter's a little short but I like it. Enjoy! Forever thankful – hereiamdestroya**

* * *

"Alby?" You ask in disbelief. Thankfully the rest of your guests have carried on with their conversations and aren't paying attention to the scene at the front door. Before you can say anything, and without really thinking whether he wants it or not, you pull your little brother into an embrace. He relaxes and you take him in. You haven't seen him in just over a year. There is so much you've missed.

He pulls away after a moment and steps back just to look at you. He looks so much older than the last time you saw him, his eyes darker and he is taller and more filled out than you remember him being.

"How did you- when?" You can't fathom sentences at the moment.

"James rang me…he paid for my flight" Alby says, eyes glancing to where your boyfriend stands to your side, a little distance away. You look to him and he carefully treads his gaze over the two of you, not sure whether he should intervene or not. But he doesn't, just gives you a steady smile and heads to the rest of the party.

In a way, you don't feel too bad for ignoring the guests. Apart from Leanne, most of them are just James' friends anyway. It wasn't that you didn't like most of them or hadn't tried to be friends, but you'd found it difficult. Luckily they'd only invited about 20 people so it wasn't too much of a big deal.

"Come in" You say, shutting the door behind him and offering a hand for his bag. He gives it over and you hang it up next to the coats.

"You look different" He says as you lead him into yours and James' bedroom, the only room that isn't being occupied.

"So do you" You finally say, standing by the window, unsure of what exactly you should say.

"I…I'm so happy you're here" You try really hard to not let your eyes water too much.

Your brother just smiles kindly. "Happy Birthday".

* * *

You spend the night mingling with your guests thanking them for coming and without realizing time passing, it gets to midnight. One by one the guests start to leave until there's only Leanne, you, Alby and James, the rest of the BTR guys being the prior last ones to leave.

"I'll help you tidy up" Leanne smiles but you tell her not to and pull her into a hug.

"Thank you so much Le. I've had a lovely night" You smile. You show Leanne out and when you turn around, you realize how quiet the apartment now is. James lounges on the sofa, a beer in hand; more relaxed now than you've seen him be for a while, well, ever since he discovered your problem. Alby awkwardly sits on the arm of the other sofa, a faint smile on his face; you hope he's happy to be here.

"Do mum and dad know you're out here?" You suddenly ask, wondering how it all happened.

"Not exactly… I told them I was at a friend's for the weekend. It's fine" Alby says honestly. A silence falls upon the room until James stands up.

"We'll leave the mess until tomorrow" He says, putting the near empty beer bottle down. He kisses you on the forehead and rests a palm on Alby's shoulder as he makes his way out of the living room and down the hall, shutting the door on you both for privacy.

You feel Alby relax slightly once James has gone; you were surprised he had been able to convince your brother to come out to LA and that he hadn't felt more awkward having not met James before properly. You decided to let it go. Your brother was here!

He sinks down onto the sofa but you stay standing.

"They'd kill us both if they knew you were out here" You tell him.

"Dad's too busy with wedding plans to even realize I'm away and mum won't notice I'm out of the house…It's really ok. My flight home is scheduled for Friday" He says.

"What about school, Alby?!"

"I'm ace-ing all of my classes. A few days off won't hurt. I've got it covered." He tells you. You realize he really isn't the boy you left behind. He's gradually turning into a young man and it's scaring you. He looks older than sixteen.

"I've really missed you" He says quietly and it brings tears to your eyes. You cross the room and sit down next to him. You don't reach for his hand but you pull him into a quick hug and then pull back. You're scared he hates you to be quite honest. But when you look at him, he doesn't look angry or upset, just happy to see you.

"I've missed you too" You say "You should get some sleep, you must be exhausted".

You show Alby into the guest room down the hall, opposite to yours and James' room and wish him a goodnight.

"Oh I got you something…for your birthday" Alby says, pulling a rumpled card out of his bag and a little box.

"Thank you…you shouldn't have". Inside are a pair of silver earrings, small squares and they are beautiful. "Thank you" You say again "I love them".

Your brother just nods his head, a small smile on his face. "I'll see you in the morning".

* * *

When you finally clamber into bed, changed into just your knickers and a t-shirt, you snuggle up to James. He turns around, awakened out of his stupor and pulls you close.

"Thank you so much" You whisper. He just smiles.

"I thought it would be good for you…important" He says.

"It really is…I can't believe I've got you" You kiss his lips, a seal of your overflowing love you have for the man in front of you.

"Happy…birthday…baby" He says in between kisses. "I love you"


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey guys, thank you so much for still reading and reviewing this! I've got the next three chapters planned so hopefully you'll stick around to read them. I really enjoyed writing this chapter. Let me know what you think of it. Any advice is welcome! Hope you're having a great day :) ~ hereiamdestroya **

In the morning, James isn't beside you when you wake up and for a second, you forget that your brother is across the hall. He had sneaked half way across the country without your parents knowing and you felt a tinge of guilt – what if your parents did find out? They would hate you even more for being a bad example to him. But you weren't sure he was that impressionable, not anymore. He had grown up a lot.

You throw on a pair of skinny jeans and one of James' t-shirts and pad down the hallway, only to hear the radio playing loudly and sounds of boys' laughter.

Before your eyes your boyfriend and brother stand in the kitchen, covered in flour, attempting to make breakfast, laughing. It is the sweetest thing you've seen.

"Hey!" James smiles and pulls you into a hug, kissing you quickly.

"What are you guys doing?" You find yourself laughing, the sight so pleasing.

"Your brother and I were trying to make breakfast for you. I was teaching him how to get pancakes just right" James grins.

"Yeah, turns out I am a terrible cook" Alby laughs, wiping the flour off of his cheek. "James on the other hand…you're lucky, sis".

"Indeed I am" You smile so fondly at James and find you can't stop. Watching him concentrating on cooking, his face so happy with his brown hair falling down into his beautiful eyes. The most beautiful pair you've ever seen. It's times like this when you don't understand how you have depression. You don't understand how you can have something so perfect and still feel like you're worthless, like the world would be so much better if you just stopped existing.

_Four months prior_

_"What is wrong with you?" James asks, frustrated that you haven't gotten out of bed all day – you're in pretty much the same position you were in when he left the house eleven hours earlier for work. _

_"I just-I haven't felt great" You tell him. What else can you tell him? You pull your sleeves down even though they're under the bed covers, you still feel self-conscious of them. _

_You know James is trying to keep calm but you can see the annoyance in his expression. "(Y, N), you haven't _felt great_ for weeks! Do you need to see a doctor?" He asks, pacing up and down the length of your bedroom._

_You want to crawl under the covers. You don't want to look at him. Or talk. You just want him to hold you. _

_"I love you" You whisper, feeling your eyes water. _

_"Do you (Y, N)? _Do you_...Because from where I'm standing it sure doesn't feel that way sometimes" James puts his palms on the back of his head, exasperated. He knows you've been unhappy, but most of the time, you're generally able to hide it from him, or at least you think you can. But he sees you – he sees the stress in your smile when you're faking it and he sees how you cry that little bit harder at family films with happy endings. _

_How did he not understand your love for him? That it absolutely consumed you. That he was the only thing keeping you alive and keeping you wanting to get better. _

He still keeps you alive. And seeing him with your brother, getting along, made you earth shatteringly happy.

"I've got to head to work in a minute, but I thought we could go out for dinner tonight – the three of us?" James suggests, washing the flour off of his face and arms.

"Sounds great. Al, you fancy it?" You nod to the blonde boy.

"I'd love to" He smiles.

* * *

"So, what are you into at school?" James asks politely after you've all ordered a starter. You went to a quiet restaurant just a couple of roads away, a place not known for being a good pap spot so you felt safer going there.

James and Alby were dressed casually, button down shirts and jeans and they both looked handsome. Your brother really had changed a lot.

"Everything really…I'm on the basketball team and I play tennis. I like art, and music" Alby replies just as politely. You're so glad that they're getting on well.

"You got on the team?!" He had been practising so hard when you left, every night out of the courts.

"I'm the captain" He smiles, though does it humbly.

"That's awesome! Congrats. We should have a game sometime" James widens his smile. His friendliness was one of the things you loved so much about him. "Get a few of my guys together. It'd be fun"

"Yeah, that sounds great" Alby smiles genuinely. He looks over to you and you grin. "You up for it, sis?"

You laugh but Alby doesn't and before you can say anything James interrupts. "You _play_?"

"Hey, don't act so surprised!" You laugh.

"Why didn't you ever tell me? We could have played together!" James says. You just laugh it off.

"She used to run rings around me when I was a kid. Until I got better at it then her. That was when she got into boys and make-up" Alby chuckles.

"Hey, leave me alone you!" You smack Alby's hand gently. He just laughs. The three of you spend most of the evening laughing and finally decide to call it a night at 11.

* * *

When you get home, the three of you lounge on the sofas, drinks in hand. James cuddles up to you and whilst you talk to your brother, he falls asleep in your arms. He must be exhausted after another day of tour rehearsals. You and Alby talk quietly over top of him but looks so peaceful and gorgeous; it's hard to take your eyes off him.

"How are you? Honestly?" You ask Alby. In the dim lighting of the open living room, your brother looks even older, shadows under his eyes.

"I'm doing ok. What about you?"

"I'm better now" You say. Alby knew you were self-harming before you'd moved to LA but he didn't understand enough to help you. It was something neither of you had talked about back then.

"Are you really…are you-still doing it?" His eyes flicker to your wrists, just as Kendall's had done the other evening.

"Not as much" You say truthfully. There had been a time when you had done it religiously. And now, although you were far from cured, you were better. Only doing it when you couldn't resist. When you couldn't fight it any longer. "I'm starting therapy soon".

He nods solemnly, taking a sip of his drink. You both sit in silence for a minute or two.

"How are mum and dad?" You ask finally.

"They still argue whenever they're in the same room – my family birthday party was _fun_- …but their good – on their own. Dad's happy with Stella and mum's dating a new guy" Alby tells you.

"Oh wow" You nod in acceptance. Everyone was moving on. "Do they…do they ever talk about me?" You fret, not knowing whether you really want Alby to answer this. His facial expression changes, into one of upset.

"Sometimes…Mum misses you. They both do. They don't say it out loud, but they both do…Mum was crying the other day, in her bedroom, looking at something. And once she left, I sneaked in to see what she was looking at… It was a picture of you and her – from Grammy's birthday party, two years ago" He explains.

You don't quite know what to say and you're trying really hard not to cry, not in front of Alby. "They could have called you know – but they didn't. Neither of them did."

"They're still angry – in their own ways…You know, we found out about you and James in a celebrity magazine…Mum was reading one of those stupid magazines and there you were, walking down the street with James. She was overwhelmed – made me come look at it, to see if it was you…She told me to tell Dad (they still don't talk to each other unless they have to) and I did and he said nothing…I guess that was when they stopped worrying about you. When they saw you were with a celebrity, I guess they thought you were doing okay. It was their way of dealing with the fact you weren't coming home" Alby looks down at the coffee table, wondering whether he should have said all that. But it doesn't matter now.

You felt incredibly sad and mortified that your parents would stop caring so instantly, but you wondered whether the divorce had left them both more heartless than they had been before it. You felt terrible, absolutely fucking terrible, for leaving Alby with them.

"Do you hate me…for leaving?" You ask tenderly. Alby thinks for a second, before looking at you and sighing.

"No, of course I don't. I think I did at first…but then I realized I would have done exactly the same thing if I'd had the chance…I don't blame you for escaping it…I wish you would have kept in contact though. But then I never really contacted you either, so…" he trails off.

You feel the tears rush down your cheeks and you try not to sob so you don't wake up James. But you feel so overwhelmed – the guilt you've held onto is finally lifting.

"Please don't cry" Alby smiles, reaching out a hand and placing it on your arm. "I'm really glad I came out here, y'know"

"So am I" You smile, tears still flowing.

"I'm so tired. You mind if I go sleep?" Alby asks.

"Go for it". Alby kisses your forehead and stands up straight, stretching.

"Love you" You say quietly, a smile on your face.

"Love you too sis" He laughs kindly, before padding down the hallway and into his room.

* * *

You sit quietly for a few minutes, not quite crying but letting the tears stream anyway. So much had happened. You felt relieved. You feel James' heartbeat as he lies in your arms, his body now at an awkward angle.

"James, baby" You say quietly in his ear. "James…"

"I'm awake" He says softly. "Sorry"

"Did you hear all of that?" You ask.

"Would you kill me if I said yes? I didn't want to disturb you guys by waking up" He says honestly. He turns his body and you move your bodies so you're facing each other face on, legs hanging to the side, your palms touching the sides of his beautiful face.

"He doesn't hate me" You whisper. "He doesn't hate me". Your eyes search his and he simply kisses you.

"Nobody could hate you. Ever" He kisses you again. You stand up and lead him, hand in hand, to your bedroom, and your hands are still holding when you both fall into a deep sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this! I literally only just realized I forgot to write Fox into this story! I don't know how he slipped my mind but oh well, I don't want to ruin continuity by adding him in now so we'll just have to imagine he doesn't have him. Sorry! Haha. Enjoy reading! And thanks again. Please let me know what you liked/ what you didn't J ~ hereiamdestroya **

You have the breakfast shift on Thursdays so you wake up early, at the same time as James and you kiss each other until you're fully awake. You and James don't always need words and this morning is one of those times. You shower together quietly, not stopping kissing him and when you get dressed together, you find yourself just watching him.

He pulls on sweatpants and a vest, the apartment warm. He flicks his short hair and styles it up before realizing you've stopped what you're doing, and just looking at him. He smiles, knowingly. He closes the distance between the two of you, kisses you lightly on the lips and keeps your gaze while he buttons up the shirt you've abandoned.

"I'll give you a lift to work" He says, putting his glasses on. You literally just want to stay in bed with him all day and those glasses seriously turned you on, but you shake away the feelings. You've got work to do.

"Okay"

"Do you want me to come with you, to the therapists today?" He asks gently.

"No, no. It's fine. You've got work-"

"I'd drop everything if you needed me" He tells you. You shake your head no. He really would do anything for you. For a moment you both stand in silence, close. "You're going to get through this…I'm right here with you" He says quietly. You kiss his lips gently before spacing yourself and finishing getting ready. You didn't find it easy to talk about your problems – you never had and that was why you felt so terrible now.

"So, what are you going to do about Alby today? Obviously he can stay in the apartment if he wants to but I thought he might like to see some of LA while he's here" James starts.

"I have no idea. Do you think it's bad that he lied to my parents?" You ask suddenly. "I mean I know it's hypocritical but they knew I was leaving when I came out here – they think Alby's at a friend's for a few days. If they find out they'll kill me, literally".

James thinks for a minute as he laces up his trainers, sitting on the edge of the bed, looking up at you. "(Y/N), look at it this way. It's not like he's in any danger. He's here with you, his sister, not in some rough part of town doing God knows what. He's sixteen, and if he wants to come and visit you, your parents can't exactly stop him…and they can't be angry with you. If they're going to be angry with anyone, it'll be me. I was the one who got him on the plane. You don't need to worry" He finishes and stands up straight, stretching.

"We should get going" You announce. "I think Alby will be alright here on his own – I'll leave him my key".

"Maybe you both should come to rehearsals later and I could take Alby to a basketball game or something after. That sound good?" He asks. You nod and kiss him again.

* * *

"So do you like being a waitress?" Alby asks sitting at the tall stalls of the counter, the morning breakfast rush finally over, leaving only a few people sitting in booths and at tables.

"A job's a job…its okay" You tell him honestly. It wasn't like you didn't have dreams or aspirations, but right now, you were thankful you had a job at all. And most of the customers were nice and the staff was nice so you really didn't have anything to complain about.

"How long have you been working here?" He asks, sipping a milkshake.

"About eleven and a half months…I managed to get it within weeks of coming here" You reminisce as you clean the counter where he sits behind.

"Wait, so what did you do when you got out here? Where did you even go?" Alby asks as though he's only just thought of it.

"I had some money saved from working in the supermarket back home and could just about afford a room in a tenant house. And I got this job luckily but my money was going so quickly and some nights I'd have to decide whether to buy food or to pay the bills…I even sold my car – do you remember how happy I was when I managed to save up enough to buy that old rusty thing? I was so sad when I had to sell it…And then I met James and within a month or so I'd moved in with him. He was a great friend and then, well – I fell in love with him…"

_Ten months prior_

_You were working the late shift and when James came bounding through the door you couldn't help but smile. You pulled your sleeves down, last night's wounds still present and painful, and gave him a hug._

_"Hey" You grinned so widely at him._

_"Hey, listen, (Y/N) I'm having a get together at my house tonight. D'you fancy coming? I would have rung you but it was on my way" He smiles as brightly as the lights of Hollywood. _

_"Yeah, I'd love to. My shift doesn't finish for another half hour though" You tell him, looking up at the clock on the wall which reads 10:30. _

_"That's fine. I'll grab some dinner while I'm here and wait for you" He takes a seat. _

_"Ok thanks. What can I get you?" You ask, flipping open your note pad. _

_"I'll have a hamburger and chips with a diet coke. Thanks" He says._

_There are hardly any customers and your colleagues tell you might as well go home, that they can handle the last few people. You sit down with James after you put his food in front of him. _

_"I'm free to go when you are" You say. He nods, sipping his drink._

_"You're not going to eat anything?" He asks, tucking into his meal. You look down at the menu and at the prices and will your stomach not to rumble in hunger. You could murder some chips. Before you say anything, a middle aged woman who had been sitting in the corner approaches your table._

_"I'm sorry to interrupt you, but d'you think I could get your autograph for my daughter. She watches your show religiously!" The woman smiles, handing him a napkin. _

_"Of course" James says "what's her name?"_

_"Kelsey" The woman smiles happily. "She won't believe I've met you! Thank you so much"_

_"No problem. You have a good night" He smiles and waves the woman goodbye as she leaves the restaurant. _

_"Does that not get weird for you?" You ask as James goes back to his meal "Like, people wanting your signature?" _

_"It's still pretty surreal…but I don't know, I guess, on some level, you kind of get used to it. Look, order whatever you want – on me" He says. You shake your head no. "Honestly, it's fine, please for me. I feel awkward eating on my own". You eventually order a veggie burger and chips and you feel so much better after eating. _

_"Thank you for that" You say to James as you both jump into his car after saying by to your work mates. _

_"It's no problem at all – there was actually something I wanted to talk to you about (Y/N)" He starts. You look over at him, his gorgeous hazel green eyes boring into you. Surely everyone must have a crush on James Maslow but you really did like him. He was becoming one of your best friends, after being properly introduced to each other by Leanne. _

_"Okay…" _

_"Le told me about where you're living at the moment" You feel your chest tighten. Why had they been talking about it? You felt more than uncomfortable talking about your situation. Back home, with your family, you had been middle class you guessed- sometimes things were tight financially but your parents, despite all their arguments, had told you to never worry about money as long as you were under their house. But you definitely weren't anymore. And out here, in Los Angeles, you were bordering on poverty. You had it better than hundreds of people though so you weren't going to complain. _

_"I want you to move in with me" James says. _

_"What?!" _

_"I know it's pretty crazy and that we've not known each other for very long – but you're one of the most kindest and most genuine girls I've ever met and you've been a good friend and if I had known you were struggling in any way, I would have offered you help sooner" James looks to see your expression and its one of awkwardness, your cheeks burning at his offer. "I'm sorry; it wasn't my intention to embarrass you, honestly. I just want to help you." _

_"You'd really do that for me?" You ask in near enough disbelief. _

_"Of course. Look, my apartment has three bedrooms – it's insane to not use them especially when someone needs one. It'll be flat sharing. Pay what you can and I'll take care of the rest-"_

_You push your lips against his – hot and passionate. A thank you. Pulling away quickly, you see his cheeks have reddened. "Is that a yes then?"_

"I can't believe all that time we thought you were okay and you were just about surviving…" Alby states.

"Hey, I had it better than many people…It's made me appreciate everything I have"

* * *

You give Alby some money and tell him to stay around the area of the therapist's centre that you're standing in front of. It is right in the city so luckily there are plenty of cafes and shops around that he can occupy himself with.

"Don't get lost ok. Ring me if you do. James'll be here in an hour" You tell your brother.

"I'll be fine" He laughs. "Okay, meet you back here".

It takes fifteen minutes until you're in a bright room, sitting on a couch in front of a woman with aging grey hair, dressed sharply in navy, opposite you.

"I'm Ella Rheon. It's nice to meet you (Y/N)" The woman says, shaking your hand. "Today will just be an assessment and then next week, we can start your sessions properly. How are you feeling today?"

"I'm-I'm fine" You tell her as she starts writing in a notebook.

"And have you taken any medication today? Or consumed any drugs or alcohol?" you shake your head no. "Ok. Is there anything you'd immediately like to talk about?".

When you don't answer, she shuts her notebook. "Ok…I'll just need you to fill out these forms and this survey – it just explores how you are feeling right now. And when you come back next week, we'll ask you the same questions and we'll go over your answers".

By the time you actually finish filling everything out, you feel your phone vibrate in your pocket and when Ella says she'll be back in a minute with another sheet, you take a look.

**Alby and I are waiting in the car, just opposite. J xoxo**

Finally you sign the last sheet and flounce your way down and across the busy street and into the passenger seat of James' car. The boys are waiting, Starbucks in hand, one ready for you. It doesn't take long to get to the rehearsal studios and once all three of you trail inside, you see the rest of Big Time Rush and their tour crew sitting around, enjoying their much deserved lunch break. You say hi to everyone you know and your brother luckily doesn't stand too awkwardly in front of them. He stands confidently and you realize he's taller than you – that both your boys tower over you.

"You guys remember (Y/N)'s brother Alby" James smiles and the other three guys all give loose and easy handshakes.

"Yeah, yeah, from the other night" Logan says pleasantly.

When they get back to dance rehearsing, you and your brother sit quietly. You watch James, like always, paying attention to the core strength of him. Sweat beads on him after the second song in and before long, all of the guys have taken their t-shirts off, leaving them in either just sweats or shorts. James has taken his glasses off to dance but the stubble which he didn't shave this morning more than turns you on. He's like a Greek god, muscular and stunning and when he catches you looking at him possessively, he winks. You feel yourself blush but you hold his gaze from across the room.

* * *

By half six, the guys have dispersed – Logan attempting to teach Kendall how to properly backflip off a set piece while James and Carlos try to get a certain dance move down. The crew is starting to pack away and your brother has been talking to one of the costume girls, across the room. You haven't met the girl before but she laughs easily as Alby talks to her, pulling his smile and flicking his hair. You don't look for long though; you're too busy looking over at your stunning boyfriend. When he catches your eye again, he whispers something to Carlos who grins and comes over, taking your hand in his and leading you out of the rehearsal space and to the temporary dressing room down the hallway. Before you shut the door behind you, James' lips are hot on yours and you pull gently as his hair before he lifts you up, still careful of your thighs and carries you over to the leather couch. He lays you down and hovers over you, still shirtless, his eyes hungry. You start kissing his neck – softly as first and then when your mouth reaches his collarbone, you bite down, causing him to cry out a little.

"Sorry" You whisper.

He kisses you on the lips and then puts his mouth to your ear, his voice barely audible when he says "_Do it again and I'll make you sorry_". It makes you shiver.

You feel your phone ring and it's a hard struggle to get James to stop writing on you as you see its Alby on caller I.D.

"Hey. Where'd you get to?" He asks, not really waiting for an answer. "Carlos just invited me around to his place with the guys and a couple of other people for dinner. Are you guys coming?"

"Yeah…we'll be o-over in an hour-ugh"

"…Are you okay?" You hear slight worry in your brother's voice.

"I'm great" You push James away but he comes right back. "Go with Carlos and tell him James and I will be over soon. I just need to grab a couple of things" James kisses at your neck and you feel your breath hitch again.

"…Ok. I'll see you guys soon" He hangs up and you're grateful. Nobody wants to hear their sibling getting up to private manners.

"Can I have you all to myself now?" James asks in such a sultry tone "I don't think I can wait".

You reach your hand down to his sweats and feel the hardness. Leaning up to his ear, all you can do is whisper "_Take_ _me_".


	9. Chapter 9

**Hi guys. Thanks again for reading and reviewing! Let me know whether you like the flashbacks – I really enjoy writing them but let me know if they work for you and what you'd like to see happen. I've got some strong ideas but I'd be interested in what you guys think will/should happen next. Cheers for reading! ~ hereiamdestroya**

* * *

Although you could quite easily fall asleep on the cheap sofa, with the sound of James' breathing easing, you pull yourself up and find your clothes which you'd thrown across the room in the heat of the moment.

"Let's just go home" James whines. "We'd have the place all to ourselves" He grins and his eyes sparkle as he watches from the other side of the room as you pull your jeans on and your top. You throw him his pants and he reluctantly puts them back on.

"We can't do that. Alby's probably a bit nervous being at Carlos' alone with all the guys…We should head over there" You tell him.

"Fine" James says pulling his shirt on eventually. "But I'll be thinking about you naked the entire night and my pain will be all your fault" He laughs but you can tell he genuinely wants you again.

As you walk out into the car park and get in the passenger seat of James' car, he looks over at you a lot.

"I'm sorry, I forgot to ask. How did it go earlier? With the therapist?" He starts the engine and pulls out, starting along the road to Carlos' house which is half an hour or so away.

"It was ok…we don't have to talk about it" You tell him. You knew he was just trying to be caring but there was so much of the way you were feeling which you couldn't explain to him – which you weren't sure he could understand.

"Ok…you know you always can talk to me though right – about it and…about everything?" You feel his eyes glaze over you as he talks.

_Nine months prior_

_"So you two are finally going out?" Leanne asks as you, her and James sit around your new shared apartment, having a drink or two._

_You look over at James – Your new boyfriend. You cannot believe how he could ever want you. It was a surprise when you had first kissed him, to you both. All you knew was that you wanted to feel his lips on yours, his heartbeat in time with yours. And now it did._

_James wears just a simple grey button down shirt and dark jeans but he could wear anything and still look like a perfect ten. He was beautiful. And when he smiles that smile at you, you don't know how you've ever lived without it._

_"Officially" he grins._

_"Fucking finally…You two are kind of perfect for each other" Leanne says, lounging back on the sofa with a smirk like she knew both your destinies._

_Later, once Leanne goes home, the pair of you share a kiss, just a simple kiss and nothing more but it's enough to remind you that you are wanted._

_"Are you happy?" James asks you quietly, whispering into your ear once he removes it from your mouth._

_"Incredibly" You tell him. You obviously couldn't tell him about all the shit you were feeling, but he hadn't asked about that and you definitely weren't prepared to tell him by your own accord. It was all too soon. It would ruin everything._

"I know" You say softly. "Hey, you know what? You're right, let's just go home. I'll ring Alby"

You see James smirk. You ring Alby's number and he picks up just before the last ring.

"(Y/N)! Where are you guys?! It's turned into a bit of a party" Alby calls down the phone.

"There's loads of traffic heading that way so I'm not sure it's worth it" You lie and hear James laugh a little. He pulls up into the parking lot of your private apartment and you both clamber out of the car. "Can you ask Carlos to give you a lift home? Or whether you can stay over at his maybe if you want and if he doesn't mind?"

"Sure, I'll ask him" You hear a lot of noise and muffled sounds and eventually hear your brother's voice again. "Yup, Carlos said I can crash hear for the night and that he'll drop be home before rehearsals tomorrow. That all good yeah?"

"Sure. Just don't drink anything! And be good ok" You warn him. You had no idea what he'd get up to but you hoped you weren't going to have to apologize to anyone in the morning.

"Ok sis. You guys are missing out! Bye" He hangs up and you feel a surge of delight at the place being empty for the night. James, having heard your conversation, takes your hand and leads you up the four stories to your penthouse apartment. As soon as the door is shut, his lips are on yours and your hands are all over his body, touching his stunning body as you please.

You move your entwined bodies down the hallway and into your bedroom and push James down onto the bed. You lay on top of him but he quickly turns you over so he hovers above you.

"How am I going to cope when you're on tour?" You say in-between kisses.

"Come with me" He hotly murmurs against your lips. "Come with me on tour!"

"I can't do that James. I can't just get up and leave…I have a job and someone needs to look after the flat and I- I just can't" You explain heart wrenchingly though you're pretty sure James hasn't properly thought this through.

He stops kissing you and leans down, resting his head on your chest, just laying on you.

"I am going to miss you so fucking much" He says so quietly you only just hear him.

"Please don't. I'm trying not to think about it. Let's just- let's spend this night well ok. We can deal with that in the morning…but not tonight" You say strongly, though the thought of James leaving you is beyond horrible, you try not to think about it.

You roll over James gently and he lies still, sprawled across the quilt. You kiss your way from his lips down his neck to his chest to his stomach and only when you reach his trousers, which you pull off roughly and throw to the floor, do you get his attention as you kiss the skin just above his waistband, feeling the hardness in your hands of what's below.

He moans gently, pushing his head back further into the bed, his hips bucking up. You relieve him of his constraints and he sighs, his hand finding yours.

"Come here" James says before you do anything. You clamber up and he sits up and starts taking off your top, your bra and eventually your trousers and knickers.

"You know…I can't ever imagine not wanting you…not wanting this beautiful body of yours…this beautiful soul of yours…this beautiful mind" James' tone is sultry but thick with love too as he pushes your hair behind your ears and kisses your lips once again. "I want every single part of you"

"You can have it"

* * *

In the early hours of the morning, you haul yourself up, unable to sleep, deciding to make hot chocolate while your boyfriend sleeps easily, hair in tufts, naked in your bed. You put the kettle on and before you do anything, you hear a banging at the door. Worried, you hurry across and open it up to see Carlos and Logan holding your brother up, him almost passed out and drying blood on the side of his head.

"(Y/N)! Alby's had an accident" Logan starts, trying to be calm.

"What the fuck has happened? Oh my god. Alby?" You rush to him and help the guys pull him to one of the sofas and lay him down. "I trusted you!" You scream at them both.

Hearing the commotion James comes out, dressed only in hastily put on boxers, his hair a mess and sleep in his eyes.

"What is going on?!" He yells, seeing the scene and looking at his best friends.

"He had a little bit to drink and was getting out of the hot tub and thought he'd try walking along the side and then he fell down, smacked onto the concrete. It's not as bad as it looks but I still think we should take him to A&E" Carlos says "He's lucky it's not worse".

"Lucky? Fucking _lucky_? You're lucky I'm not killing you!" You almost scream "You were supposed to take care of him! _I_ was supposed to take care of him!" You kneel down beside your brother calling his name in the hope he might answer. But he doesn't. His head lulls to the side and you can see him breathing. You feel terrible.

You feel James rub your back affectionately, a gesture to get you to calm down. "Okay, thanks for bringing him back. We'll take him to the Emergency room right now" He says, the voice of reason.

"We'll come with you" Logan starts.

"Enough damage has been done! You two can go home" You know you're being rude but right now you really don't care. James shows the guys out and says he'll call them to let them know what's happening.

"Go get dressed" James instructs you. With a last look at your brother, you run to the bedroom, throwing on jeans and yesterday's t-shirt. This was all your fault. You were supposed to be looking after him. You return quickly to Alby's side and wait until James is dressed too before trying to lift Alby up.

"I've got him" James tells you, managing to pick Alby up and start carrying him. This was going to be a long night.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hiya, thank you for all your feedback, I really do appreciate it and the fact that you're sticking with this story! Hope you're enjoying it. Feel free to drop me a pm and have a chat and let me know what you're liking. Thanks! ~hereiamdestroya**

* * *

When Alby is finally seen to, he manages to wake up but he's disorientated, even as you stand next to him while he lays on the hard bed, a doctor hovering around him. Alby is bloodied and his clothes are creased and it's just too much to see. James tells you to wait outside, and that he'll stay with him when they start stitching up his head wound. You could only stomach the sight of your own blood – not anyone else's.

You do as he says and reluctantly wait outside in the business of the A&E waiting room. You should have gone to the party; you should have been there to look after your brother. God, you were an awful sister.

After ten or so minutes, James comes out of the room, holding up a weary but awake Alby. You take his other side and make your way out of the hospital and down to the car in complete silence. Laying Alby down across the back seat, you get in the passenger seat and James drives quietly, still not saying anything.

"I think you should go home with Alby" James eventually says, glancing over at you, his eyes tired.

"We are going home"

"No, (Y/N), I mean _home_" James amends. You stare over at him, half of you wanting to punch him for even suggesting the idea and the other half knowing he was right. You did not feel comfortable with the idea of Alby getting on a plane on his own later in the day and going home to the onslaught of your parents. Maybe you could just get him home and then get straight back on a plane for LA.

"Think of everything you could sort out there" James says. He knows you too well. "You still have a family (Y/N)"

"But they don't want a daughter" You whisper. "They don't _want_ me"

* * *

When you wake up at seven am, you leave James to sleep in a little and wander out and down the hall to Alby's room. You and James had put him in his bed in the early hours as soon as you were home and had fallen asleep quickly after.

The blonde boy is fast asleep, his forehead stiches very visible, eyes shut tightly, as if dreaming a bad dream. You leave him be and go back into the kitchen where James now stands in just his boxers, pouring out two glasses of orange juice.

You stand behind him and wrap your arms around his waist, kissing his spine. He relaxes into your hold and turns his head, leaning down to kiss your lips.

"I've rung the airline. Two seats to Nebraska departing at 12:35" James tells you.

"I don't want to leave…I don't want to leave you" You whimper, feeling tears water in your eyes.

"Hey, hey" James starts and turns around to hold you in his arms. "Don't be upset. Tour starts on Monday so it'll be better that you're with Alby for a bit, won't it? I know this is going to be hard, but I think it'd be a great opportunity for you to try and sort things out"

You shake your head no but James just kisses you. "I'll call you every day" he says. And you don't doubt him. But you just can't bear the idea of today being the last time you'll see your boyfriend for two months. Of course, you're thankful it's not as long as it could be, but still, you were kind of devastated.

"This isn't how I wanted to say goodbye" You whisper.

"We're not saying goodbye, ok. We're saying See you later. And you'll see me soon" James defends. "I'll take you guys to the airport and then head to work. We still have the entire morning together"

You didn't want it to be like this. You didn't want to go to the home you'd run away from. You didn't want to face any of that shit. James' phone vibrates and he reluctantly answers it.

"(Y/N), it's for you" He passes you the phone and you hear Carlos' sombre tone.

_"(Y/N), I'm really sorry ok. I honestly didn't know how much Alby'd had to drink. I'm sorry. How is he?"_

"He's doing ok. Sleeping at the moment. Look, I'm really sorry for snapping at you and Logan last night"

_"It's fine, you had every right to. We should have looked after him and we didn't"_

"No no, that was my job. It wasn't your fault at all"

_"Tell Alby we're sorry and that we'll see him around sometime. Have a safe flight ok (Y/N)"_

"Thanks Carlos" You hand the phone back to James and they talk for a little while. Just as he hangs up, Alby appears at the doorway in clean clothes – a black t-shirt and jeans, his blonde hair freshly clean, looking surprisingly better than you thought he would look this morning.

"Hey" He starts, his tone of voice worried. "I'm really sorry about last night guys"

"You fucking terrified me, d'you know that?" It probably wasn't the best way to deal with the situation but it made you feel better to swear at him and let out your frustration.

"I know…honestly, I was just drunk and thought I could do anything…I don't know what to say other than sorry. Sorry to you both and sorry to the guys and I'm just sorry ok" Alby stands awkwardly, physically in pain.

You pace across to him and press softly on his shoulder. "It's ok. All that matters is that you're ok, right James?"

"Right" Your boyfriend's commanding tone shows his support and though you can't see him behind you, you know he's nodding in accordance.

"You need to get your stuff packed. We have a flight in a few hours" You tell him, folding your arms.

"_We_?" Alby's eyes light up. "You're coming home?!"

"Not for long. Only to get you back safely" You don't tell Alby that you might stick around for a little while, a few days at least. The ide ain itself is painful to you and makes you anxious, without the worry of Alby expecting you to come home and stay there. It just wasn't your home anymore. Your home was Los Angeles and your home was James.

* * *

You and James had spent the morning together, driving around the town for the last time in a while, windows down, just enjoying each other's company, leaving Alby at home to pack.

You'd grabbed coffees at your favourite café and you'd gone to work to inform them that you needed to leave for a little while – that a family emergency of sorts had come up and it was crucial that you have at least a week off. You'd also rung your therapy, telling them you would be unable to attend for at least a week. Only because of James' status had they been so accommodating.

As the sun started to rise higher and higher, you eventually made your way back to the apartment, smoking a cigarette despite James' look of disappointment. You find Alby all ready and packed, eating cereal while watching something on TV and quickly pack a few pieces in a suitcase. You really weren't sure how long you were going to be there for.

The hardest part of packing was deciding that you'd have to leave your cutting blades behind, hidden deeply in one of your underwear draws in a small tin box. You guessed it was a good thing but it still made you anxious having to leave their comfort behind.

The entire drive to LAX you could feel yourself tearing up. You didn't want either of the boys to see you like this so you held it in. But when it got to the part of the airport where James couldn't go any further, you couldn't stop the tears from sliding quietly down your cheeks.

Alby and James shared a handshake and a hug and James apologized for not having been able to take Alby to a basketball game in the end. Alby thanked him for everything before walking ahead a bit, giving you some space.

You stand face to face for a few seconds, eyes just searching each other's.

"I don't want to go" You say honestly, bluntly.

"I know, angel. But, this is going to be ok" James pulls you tight. "I love you so much…so fucking much"

You both stand like it for a moment, embracing. "I'll see you real soon ok. As soon as you want to leave, ring me and I'll put you on the first flight back to LA or to wherever we're playing and just come on the tour bus ok. You don't have to stay there if you don't want but I think- I think this could be a fresh start – one that's healthy for you" James says.

You just nod, a little happier in the knowledge that if it really gets too much, you can leave. You don't have to stay long. You hear the announcement for your flight to say it's boarding in ten minutes and try to stop your tears.

"Call me once you land ok, if you can" James offers. He kisses you deeply, lips locking and you hold onto the feeling of being so close to James, so intimate, knowing you won't be feeling it again for a long time. "I love you"

"I love you more" You say, looking up into those beautiful hazel green eyes of his. He shakes his head and laughs.

"That's not possible" He pecks you again, once, easily on the cheek. "Go. You don't want to miss your flight" James picks up the suitcase from the floor and pulls it out, ready for you to wheel away.

You see Alby waiting to go, tiredness creeping into his eyes. Hugging James tightly one more time, you finally let go and step back. And just before you turn to leave, heading to your past, James smiles and whispers one thing…

"I'll be thinking about you worldwide"


	11. Chapter 11

**Hiya! Thanks for continuing to read this! Hope you're enjoying it. Just a couple of things – I've never been to America/ Nebraska so when I'm writing, I'm literally using Google maps, film references and pure imagination to what it is like, so forgive me if you know the US well and are reading and thinking 'She has no idea what she's talking about' – you're quite right but I'm doing my best haha, you'll have to excuse me. Also, I use a lot of colloquial English terms such as the spelling of 'mum' and the use of 'fag' – it's not to offend anyone, I'm just writing as I speak and as I think, so yeah, thanks, and please continue on! ~ hereiamdestroya**

* * *

As soon as Alby had had a cup of coffee and had turned around in the tight space of the seat next to yours, you cried. You didn't mean to and you struggled to keep quiet, not wanting your brother to awake from his stupor nor for the people in the seats around you to notice.

You wanted to be strong. You wanted to act like this wasn't a big deal, going home. But it was. Your parents are going to kill you too, as soon as they find out what you let Alby do. This was going to start in tears and end in tears.

By the time the plane had landed and you and Alby had managed to get out of the airport into the brisk summer air it was seven o'clock. You catch a bus quickly and head to Aurora, the only place you had ever known before you moved to LA. You feel no warmth as you drive through the town and streets you recognize and even when you haul your suitcase off the bus at the stop where you used to get off after school, you feel a sort of emptiness.

"Will mum be home?" You ask as you and Alby pace easily down the road until you see your childhood home in the distance. You fumble for one of your cigarettes and light up, ignoring the look of surprise from your brother.

"Yeah…" He says hesitantly. "Hey, can I have one?" His gaze flickers to the fag in your hand. You go to shout no at him until you realize you're already a terrible sister. How much more harm can you bring to him? "Dad lets me smoke at his and Stella's place"

You hand him one silently, and your lighter and pick up your suitcase to start walking again.

It doesn't take long till you reach your house – blue fronted windows and with a big deck outside. The house looks rather welcoming ironically, even in the evening's melancholy colouring.

_One Year (approx.) prior:_

_"Don't you dare walk away when I'm speaking to you!" Your mother shouts, standing on the decking as she watches her eldest daughter start down the steps and onto the front lawn. _

_"Oh, I am walking _far_ away! This house is tainted" You spit._

_"If you hate it so much, why don't you just move out! Go live with your good for nothing father for all I care!" The dark blonde woman screams. _

_You'd had this argument over and over again and it always seemed to end the same. You'd storm off, stay at a friend's for the night and sneak back in in the early hours and be welcomed by evil stares and tense tight words over cereal in the morning. But this time, it felt different. You needed to leave. _

_"You know what – I'm sick of the pair of you. You've been the worst parents in the world these past few years. Where the hell have you both been when Alby or I needed you? You keep coming back to this house but you've never really been home, have you?" Your words are sharp and the woman only stands back a little, her expression seemingly unaffected by all that you've said._

_You stare at each other for a moment or two. You might share DNA but you, mother and daughter, are nothing alike. _

_Before you can say another thing, Alby, your fifteen year old brother – the young boy with the mop of blonde hair and straggly limbs comes running out of the house, dressed only in a t-shirt and pyjama shorts. He should be sleeping. He has school the next day._

_"Please. Stop fighting!" He shouts, calling for your attention. Both you and your mother look at him. He is the only thing that stops the pair of you from ripping each other's heads off. "(Y/N), come back inside"._

_You shake your head no. You're not staying in that house tonight. Within a split second, you decide that tomorrow, you're leaving Nebraska. You were pretty sure you'd have enough money to buy a plane ticket. Maybe you'd go west, head to Los Angeles. You weren't sure yet. _

_"I'll be back in the morning…to collect my stuff. And then I'm gone". _

Stubbing out your cigarettes, it doesn't take Alby long to find his door key and as he opens the front, you feel the anxiety crawling up your throat, making you want to vomit. This was not part of the plan. You didn't want to be here. You wanted to be with James. That was all you ever wanted.

"Mum! I'm home!" Alby calls through the open living room and leaves his bag on the floor by the front door. Everything was exactly as it had been when you'd left – The dark purple rug you and your mum had managed to buy on sale years ago still lay solid in the middle of the living room, though slightly faded now.

You stand awkwardly; not being able to believe how this place feels familiar but not like it's your home.

"Al! How was Tristan's?" Your mother's voice rings loudly down the stairs as you hear her footsteps. She paces down the stairs, still dressed smartly in her work clothes and is stunned into silence when she sees both of her children standing in the living room, the youngest the tallest.

"(Y/N)" She says it like a swear word, and clamps a hand over her mouth which seems like she can't control. "What are you…" She looks to Alby and as soon as she sees the stitches on her head she runs over to him, asking what happened.

"It's a long story." Alby says quickly, before your mother turns onto you.

"What are you doing here?! Did you do this to Alby? Did you get him into some kind of trouble?" She asks without taking a breath, her cheeks reddening.

You wish you had never come back. Alby would have been okay flying on his own. You needed to _leave_.

"I'm just bringing him home." You tell her, eyes flickering to Alby. He stands tall.

"You've been with your sister all this time?! You lied to me?" Your mother shouts, her focus swimming between her two kids.

"Mum, I can explain, I-" Alby is interrupted immediately by the middle aged woman. You look at her but she looks so much older than when you last saw her, a year ago. She is the same height as you but she looks smaller, as though the divorce robbed her of everything, including the person she used to be.

"What did you think you'd achieve by coming back here? Did you manipulate Alby to coming to see you, huh? Is that what you did?" Your mother steps closer, her voice getting louder.

"I'm leaving" You say and before Alby can stop you, your mother grabs onto his arm and you grab your bag. Slamming the door shut, you still hear your mother scream "And don't come back!"

She has nothing to worry about.

* * *

You had pretty much no idea where to go. Pacing the streets, you ended up at a small café right in the centre of town. You ordered a coffee and sat quietly next to the window, trying to work out what to do. It wasn't empty by far, people were milling about everywhere. But you couldn't have felt more alone.

Had Alby lied when he told you he'd seen your mother crying over your picture? Could anyone really be that two faced? Or did he just say that to make you think it'd be okay to come back. You shook your head. This was a terrible idea. You pulled out your phone and dialled the number you knew off by heart.

"_Hi baby. Are you guys ok?_" James' voice instantly warmed you. You explained to him everything that had happened and were now waiting for his reply.

"_That's insane. She kicked you out?_"

"Basically…I have no idea what to do, James. I'm going to stay at a motel tonight and then I think I'll catch a flight back home tomorrow." You tell him.

"_I'm…I'm so sorry_".

"Don't be. Who knew what would happen?"

"_You did. You said you didn't want to go back and I made you_." You hear the sombre tone of James' voice over the hum of the tour bus engine.

"This is not your fault. This is mine and my mother's and our absolute defiance towards each other. Let's not talk about it. How's the driving going? You and all the guys ok?" You change subject, not wanting him to feel bad.

"_Yeah it's going okay, the guys are just in the back chilling…(Y/N), I need you to promise me something_".

"What?"

"_I need you to promise me that no matter how bad it gets, or how bad you feel…you won't do anything to…_harm yourself_. Promise me_". James' voice sounds thick with worry.

"Jamie, I can't promise you that…but I promise I'll try to call you whenever I feel like doing it, okay?" You know it's not much to reassure him at all, but it's all you can give him.

"_I love you so much_" He whispers.

"I love you. Now go, go enjoy yourself!" You try to sound uplifting but he sees straight through you, hears straight through you.

"_Call me whenever you need ok. I'm thinking about you always_." He tells you.

After a few more goodbyes and 'I love you's, you hang up, looking around to remind yourself there's a whole world that you and James are not the focus of. You sip your coffee slowly, wasting time and only stop once you're disturbed by a pretty woman with light brown curls and pale blue eyes. She looks in her mid-thirties, but dressed well.

"(Y/N)?" She says your name like she already knows it.

"Yes…can I help you with something?" You ask, looking up at the woman.

"I'm Stella. You must be Andrew's daughter?" she smiles brightly but your look of confusion seems to worry her. "May I sit down?" When you nod, she warily takes a seat opposite. "I guess your dad hasn't spoken about me".

"My brother told me about you…" You inform her. "How did you know who I am?"

She laughs gently but stops when she sees your expression. "He's got pictures of you in his wallet". You feel your heart drop. "You look a lot different, but I knew it was you. You have your father's eyes".

You don't say anything for a moment. So this was your dad's new wife to be.

"Your dad said you were living in California?" She begins and you nod.

"Yeah, I live in LA…I erm, I'm only back for a day – I'm leaving tomorrow" You explain but she looks a little hurt.

"Oh gosh, I was hoping you would be staying. Drew would love to see you, I know for sure…".

"Can I ask you something?" You start.

"Of course…"

"Why are you being nice to me? You do know my dad _hates_ me right? I'm assuming he's said about what happened?" You watch the woman; she genuinely seems hurt by what you're saying.

"Oh hun, he doesn't hate you at all!"

"Then why wasn't I invited to the wedding?" You say defiantly. "He doesn't want his own child there…Alby told me about it. I wouldn't have even known if it weren't for him".

"I always wanted you to be there…I've wanted to meet you since Drew told me about you…He should probably be telling you this – he thought you wouldn't want to come and he couldn't face that rejection again…He's been picking up the phone every night for the past three months, trying to call you…but he's scared" Stella tells you, her eyes nearly watering.

"Scared? My dad? I don't think so…he couldn't wait to see me leave".

"I think you need to talk to him about all this…what are you doing here anyway? Have you been to see your mother?" Stella tries to normalize the conversation and you realize your voice was becoming a little bit too loud for public display.

"Alby came to see me - I'm guessing he lied to everyone about where he was. And he had an accident. I didn't want him flying alone so I bought him back…and my mother kicked me out…again". Stella's eyes are full of worry when she looks at you, after you explain.

"You're coming straight back to mine and your father's" She says strongly.

"It's fine…I'm going to stay at a motel-"

"Nonsense! You're staying with your family. Hayley, your mother, hasn't got her head screwed on properly. God knows I try to be nice to her, for Alby's sake, but she really is a difficult woman – not even letting her own daughter stay…I've got to pick the boys up from their hockey club, come with me…come home" Stella pleads.

You look over the woman once again. She was so different from your mother. Where your mum was hard angles, Stella was soft curves.

"Your dad's away with work for a few days but please, come back to our house…it's your house too" She smiles shyly.

You look at your suitcase next to you and back at the woman. At least it'd save you some money. She was being so nice you'd feel guilty to say no. Maybe this was the start of something good – perhaps there was something healthy, like James said, to come out of this.


End file.
